Even though I had a solid foundation, I struggled with my identity in many different ways while growing up. I often felt like I couldn’t simply spend time with God because I was living in condemnation for things I already repented for. I believed lies about myself. That I wasn’t good enough. That I was too much. That I didn’t deserve love. That people only pretended to like me, but if they knew the real me they would be scared away. I felt like I had to hide who I really was in order to be liked. I thought that who I was was wrong, that I couldn’t become a woman of God with an outgoing personality. That I shouldn’t be a woman at all. I knew there was more of God, but I didn’t know how to access it. I was growing, but still lived in a lot of bondage and it was slow going. When you believe lies about yourself you act in such a way that causes them to come true. And then you interpret what other people say and do as confirming those lies to be truth.
It finally all came to a head one night when I was 16. I knew that in order to build relationship you have to spend time with someone so I decided to try journaling my prayers to God and spend more than just a few minutes focused on Him. While I was writing I got to a point where I said, “Lord my life would be such a terrible mess if it wasn’t for You in my life. I mean, a bigger mess than it is now.” What happened next had never happened in that way to me before, and my life has never been the same since. I heard God’s voice clearly and distinctly different than my own in my head and He said, “I don’t see you as a mess, Karissa, My Darling.”
I didn’t know what to do with that. So I wrote quotes and wrote it down. I spent the next few hours writing as quickly as I could all of the things God was telling me about how He sees me and my identity and how much He loves me. I was a racking sobs, glorious, mess, and I was permanently different. I now had a two way relationship with God! He loves me! He created me purposefully to reflect His glory and show the world His love! I am a beautiful daughter! He delights in every part of who I am and loves pursuing and romancing me.
Ever since I’ve been able to hear God’s voice anytime I take the time to hear Him. I’ve been on a fast track with God of extreme growth and healing in so many areas, but identity has been huge for me. God had to go back in my past and heal my wounds from believing lies and being hurt by people. I had to forgive them. I had to truly forgive myself and choose to believe that what He says about me is true. Above all I had to be willing to believe that God is actually good 100% of the time and that what He has in store for me is good no matter what. That is what makes Him worthy of trust, because He loves me. And I’m in love with Him. And now I can love others well because it is His love flowing through me. I am convinced that if we could truly grasp Who God is, and Who we are in Him, we would be completely unstoppable. If you’ve never experienced God’s love or hearing God’s voice or you have any questions there is nothing I would love more than to be able to talk with you, so please contact me. I want to share this joy He’s given me with everyone. And that includes you. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
You are such a unique glorious individual who drips blessing on all who come near to you. The very fact that you are determined to continually examine yourself in order to work out your salvation with fear and trembling is an excellent indication that you will grow and influence others for Christ in mighty and positive ways for all of your lifetime. Constant growth means continual blooming :o) Bloom Big Karissa!
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